Is it really worth being nice to people?

Too nice? Why we lose interest in people who follow us

Unfortunately, it is a well-known phenomenon: we always want what we do not have or cannot get. We find those who are aloof, great and attractive. Whoever chases after us, we in turn do not find desirable. Sick world, right?

You seriously ask yourself how a person can be "too nice". Is that even possible? The sad answer: When it comes to love, that's exactly what is possible.

Investment shows the value of the thing

It's unfair, but the moment we have to fight for someone and show commitment, we also feel that the other is worth it to us. Studies have shown that if we invest a lot in someone, then, in purely psychological terms, the effect is that we place the value of the other person higher. Conversely, that means: Since the "too nice" are kind and caring from the start, so we hardly have to invest anything ourselves, we don't burn so much for them and rate their value lower.

And: those who do more for the relationship also bind themselves more strongly. Quite different for the courted one: he feels rather oppressed and taken by surprise by the eager commitment of the other.

No award

To be treated very attentively by someone who treats everyone very kindly and attentively is not something that makes us feel special. He's nice to everyone. Quite different when the aloof guy is nice to us. We see this as an award and we feel flattered.

The magic is uncertainty and hope

The US psychologist Paul Eastwick from Northwestern University made an experiment with subjects who were supposed to meet on a date. It turned out: the test persons found their counterpart to be particularly attractive when it did not give them a clear signal as to whether they were interested in more.

It is this mixture of uncertainty and hope, so Eastwick, that fascinates us so much. Why? Well, if the other person doesn't show exactly what they want, we are insecure and that worries us. This in turn means that we deal more intensively with this person. Our thoughts revolve around the person much more than normal. And interest is already aroused.

What does that mean for us?

So what's the consequence? Should we now all put on our poker face and become ice-cold tacticians who make themselves interesting through cool behavior? Of course not! And for many people this is not necessary either, because they clearly recognize a person's worth, even if they are open-minded and possibly "too nice".

Of course there are the types with whom we have to contain ourselves in our amorous arrogance. In which we have to be careful not to be too direct and in love, at least in the beginning, and in which we should hold back with our expressions of feelings. Because they are those "3 day rule" types. Those who make themselves scarce so that you find them great and also find the same thing about you appealing. And when you unpack your feelings, they distance themselves.

But seriously: These are usually the types with whom a relationship doesn't work out anyway. So don't mind and stay nice and in love.

Unhappy in love? Why we always fall in love with the wrong guy

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Video by Sabrina Först
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