Why did my wife cheat

What did it do to you to be betrayed? 6 women tell

If you are cheated on by your partner, it's not just your stomach that turns. Such a breach of trust by a person who is family to us can be a challenge for the psyche that is not so easy to put up with. Being betrayed can have long-term consequences for us, make us different, but also show us very clearly where our own limits are, what we want and what we may have unconsciously closed our eyes to.

Fraud can open eyes and clear the view. But he can also knock us out first and put us mentally through the meat grinder. Anyone who has experienced such a breach of trust often goes through a change. And at some point you look back from a completely different perspective. This experience can bring us closer to ourselves, allow us to set clear boundaries for the future, and maybe even leave old patterns in partner choice behind.

We asked you: What did it do to you to be betrayed? 6 women share their experiences.

Stephi, 35

I was 18 and M. was my first friend. At least the first correct one. The first love among adults. The one you move in with for the first time. The one with whom you hold hands together during mass viewing appointments for this first, perfect apartment together. Fingers crossed, loud hearts, shouts of joy. This first very special relationship with this very special person, which lays the foundation for love and everything that we imagine it to be. This person who makes you believe that love is inviolable and that there are no downsides.

Love has so much power. And that one Saturday evening in summer changed me forever.

Giving your heart to someone is probably the greatest thing you can give. For me, giving away one's heart has always meant seeing the other person as my partner and trusting them completely. The base. And then we build everything we want on it. I thought that M. and I had reached that point. One weekend in summer, a few years after the turn of the millennium, I had a strange feeling. My intuition rarely lets me down. Unfortunately. M. had stolen and cheated on me and also paid the woman with whom he had cheated on me with my money. He looked me in the face and talked about his actions as if I were a good friend and as if he were a victim because there are so many temptations out there. As if he couldn't have done otherwise. How does it feel when your first love reveals that she cheated on you? I think you will die for the first time then. It's like someone burying you alive. And then there is so much anger and disappointment and such a bubble that feels like it's all a movie and you have 7 lives that you don't want, because right now you just want to die.

It's like someone is tearing the rug from under your feet. And that really is the case.

Since? I am constantly afraid. Sometimes I don't know if it is worse for the one who came “after” than it is for me. The distrust is always there. Intuition is like a veil that covers everything. Does anyone have a chance at all? After such an experience, can we even start from scratch in a relationship, or are we negative from the start? I've often tried to be neutral about relationships. Not comparable. To let the past rest. But knowing you've been betrayed carries so much weight. I suspect too much, interpret too much into things that would certainly be void under other circumstances. I'm afraid. Permanent. Fear of repetition. Fear of trusting. Afraid to let myself in and let go. Since then, I've never really been there. With the heart and in general. I am always looking for confirmation. Often only for a reason that gives me a reason. I hate that. And I'm sorry.

Anna, 33

The first time I gave him a choice: either you go or we work on it. He decided on the latter, and it took a load off my heart. Nothing happened, just a foreign date that had been exposed. But the abuse of trust was enough to make the coming months difficult. He tried hard, but I was jealous anyway. And worst of all, I hated it. I had never been a jealous person, loved the space myself and also gave it to my partners. But after the first attempt at cheating was exposed, doubts remained. Is he really just out with friends? Is he alone on a business trip? Does he really just meet a good friend? The doubts gnawed at me. Until I asked myself a question: do you trust him or do you want to go? I chose to trust because I loved. Him. Our relationship. Our life after all these years. It became quieter again, we became more of a team again. Until it happened again. An affair that I discovered. That lay so clearly before my eyes, into which he lied ice-cold. I would probably have draped the evidence specially to test him. I would be overjealous. I looked with horror into the face of the man I thought I loved and asked myself: Who was he? Who was this person really? Little by little, more and more cheating escapades came out. He hadn't left anything out. While I was the loyal, laid-back friend, he had shamelessly taken advantage of his freedom. We broke up.

After he disappeared from my home, I vowed to myself that I would not be burdened by his terrible behavior in the future.

Everyone is different, and not every man is like him. Still, I would be lying if I said that my ignorant trust still exists today. Honesty, loyalty and loyalty are important to me. Cheating can happen, but I want to know. I want things to be sorted out before you indulge in this. Because that's what you deserve as a partner.

Today I know: I didn't do anything wrong. Certainly, cheating has its origins in the relationship and everything probably didn't go well for us. But: He had a choice. He could have talked to me, broken up or drawn other conclusions. But he opted for a double life. And handed me over to the situation.

The lies, the denial, the denial of the factual: all of that was worse than my ex-boyfriend's deception itself. After years, I would have somehow understood and understood it. But I never forgave him for dealing with presenting myself as a crazy person. And he knows that. If I meet him on the street today, he looks away ashamed. And I only have one thing: pity.

Franzi, 30

It started with a phone call. After he left for the mountains, where he worked for a few months in winter, I hadn't heard from him for two days. That didn't suit him at all and I started to worry, looked up the number of the hut he had sent me photos of a few weeks earlier and called them. When the helpful woman on the other end of the line assured me, even after several inquiries and attempts to describe, that he would not work here, she would not know him, I thanked me and hung up in a daze. My stomach turned, my heart pounded loudly, and my knees went weak. A veil of disbelief and bewilderment covered my thoughts and feelings.

A world came together when the lies, fraud and theft - he stole me and my family and not just us, as I was later to find out - came to light. I wanted to know everything, and with every research, conversation and contact with people around him, my image that I had of him crumbled apart. I needed to know all the details to really understand that he is not the person I thought he was for 2 1/2 years. Because it is incomprehensible.

At least as painful as the discovery of this dishonesty was and is the way out of the cocoon into which I had withdrawn without noticing it. For fear of being hurt again, for fear of being so wrong again, for doubts about my sense of human nature.

It was the second relationship in a row that I had been deceived. The former without theft and sexual deception, but at least peppered with lies about their own biography. After this relationship, I wanted to end the chapter as quickly as possible and put it off myself. I didn't want that this time. I spoke to his past and current friends, co-workers, his boss, his mother, two of his ex-girlfriends. And I got in touch with the woman who cheated on me with. With which I had caught him red-handed and before which he had tried at that moment to portray me as the crazy ex-girlfriend who did not want to accept that the end would be. They all had little jigsaw pieces that helped me piece together a new, truer picture of him in a way that perhaps no one before me had ever done.

The contact with the other women, the solidarity, our exchange, on the phone, in our common WhatsApp group and our meeting were particularly beneficial for me. In this way we were able to make the incomprehensible a little more tangible, unmask lies and also revise the false images that he had created about the other women in us.

My tip for the future: Listen carefully to how someone talks about their ex-partners.

It was painful to realize that I might have unconsciously kept my eyes closed, perhaps also because it was easier to hold onto an illusion than to ask painful questions about reality that I might not want to admit. I had to admit that at no point did I have the slightest doubt about what he did, said or how he acted. For me it has always been a natural and natural thing to see the good in people.

At least as painful was the later realization that I was not in my strength, and the question of how this could happen to me - how I had not been able to see, recognize or feel it.

How could I have been so fooled? From another person - but also from myself? The deception and deception have shaken my trust in my feelings towards other people. Sometimes there is anger at him, at what he did and still does and get away with it, often also bewildered. Sometimes there is shame and disgust for myself.

Part of me withdrew after these experiences to protect myself. I could never really get involved with the last man. Better to leave it open so as not to make another mistake. That robbed me of the opportunity to fully engage with him. I'm slowly working my way out of this cocoon, trying to be patient and loving with myself. That also means accepting the hurt, the disappointment and the shame, as I understand more and more. That doesn't always work, but more and more often.

I am slowly learning to listen a little more to my gut feeling, to trust my feelings towards other people, both when I feel good or not so good in the presence of certain people and to feel more clearly again what or who is doing well and feels right to me. But I also know that I am still in the process of getting to know, understand and feel myself better. Mindfulness practices and the training as a dance therapist, which I have been doing for 1 1/2 years, help me personally. Body awareness and coming into close contact with the inside play an important role for me in this process. But I also know that there are still wounds that I can't see even now, that want to be healed and that require more work. As painful as this experience was and is, I am convinced that it will ultimately make me a stronger person.

I was betrayed three times in my last relationship. The last time was the worst as I thought we packed it. I was very happy at the time, we even tinkered with a baby. It completely threw me off track and it took me a year to get over it. The betrayal that went with it bothered me to this day, because he wanted me back afterwards and I only recently found out that the other woman was already at our house regularly at that time. Where after my hasty departure with only the bare essentials all my things were. It felt like my whole life collapsed, and shortly afterwards I developed an anxiety disorder. I went through hell for a year. But all of that forced me to preoccupy myself. I have been working on myself with a coaching since October, penetrate deeper and deeper and slowly know who I am, what I want - and what not.

Frieda, 30

When I was 20 I had a boyfriend in London, my first "real" boyfriend, with whom I imagined a future. I visited him often and also spent two semester breaks in London, worked a bit there and invested a lot in the relationship overall - but also took a lot from it with the opportunity to live there for free for months, gain work experience and improve my English . After a good six months he distanced himself increasingly from me, I felt that something was different. I still remember exactly how that black, fearful lump felt in my stomach that only went away when I slept. My second semester break in London began in February, and right at the beginning he told me that he wanted to break up at the end of my stay, he could no longer deal with the long-distance relationship.

Then: I stayed. Crazy but I was 20 and thought he would change his mind. And to be honest, I wanted to spend another two months in London. I flew back in April, we parted, but a few weeks later he came ruefully to Berlin and asked for a second chance. After that, weird events accumulated: He was unavailable for 24 hours (for me it was an awake night of fear), a colleague had stayed with him. In June I flew there as a birthday surprise, condoms were strewn on the floor in his room. On the weekend in question, I checked something on his cell phone when the text message from the colleague in question arrived that her boyfriend had found out that they had kissed. Since he convinced me it was just a kiss, we stayed together. A week later, the colleague's ex-boyfriend contacted me. He had found out everything, the two had had an affair for six months. I called him, broke up, and didn't answer the phone for two months from then on, even though he called several times a day. It was so important to me to regain my "power" for me.

A short time after the breakup, I started having panic attacks. That was terrible and the fear of it completely consumed me, a so-called incipient anxiety disorder. I then started therapy six months later, which was extremely good for me. In retrospect, when the relationship started, I was absolutely gullible and seriously thought that it would never happen to me to be betrayed. In reality, I then faded out every single Red Flag and went through a lot for fear of losing it. This abuse of trust, which was previously unimaginable for me, the feeling of having been lied to in so many situations in which one was completely trusting, really tore the floor from under my feet at the time.

This was then reflected in my anxiety disorder, which was primarily about fear of any form of loss of control. For example, I couldn't drink a drop of alcohol for a year. After two months I suddenly picked up the phone and asked him to leave me alone for four months to let it all sink in. He wrote to me exactly four months later to the day, these things have reconciled me a little and given me a little pride - kind of stupid, but that's the way it is. After that, we were able to talk about it a little more at a distance. But he had a completely different view of the matter than I did and found my reaction to the separation exaggerated because the two allegedly rarely saw each other in private and accordingly hadn't walked that much at all. He never understood that it wasn't about that, but about the fundamental abuse of trust. Today, ten years later, all of this doesn't bother me very much and I'm glad I did this therapy back then and learned so much about myself in it.

Maylin, Jan.

One point that I still find very difficult, and that has often been looked at me obliquely, is the way I figured it out. Unfortunately, I had to look into my partner's cell phone to find out about the current affair. I consciously say “had to” because even after several inquiries as to whether everything was okay, nothing came up. But at some point I couldn't stand being treated like air and being lied to to the face. Like being totally blind or stupid. At that moment I felt incredibly shabby, stood in front of his cell phone at night when he slept forever and wondered whether I should take the step.Of course, also out of fear of finding something. Unfortunately, I didn't have to search long. But many could not understand this desperation. After that, I ran away ad hoc at night. In a conversation a few days later I had to listen to things like “it's your own fault” or “be glad I did it now and not after the wedding and with children”.

No regrets, no apologies. That hurt and preoccupied me the most.

Treating me so disrespectfully after over ten years. The second interview followed a week later and I pretended that I knew more than he thought. This was the only way I could find out the whole truth: A year of cheating with several very young women. The first time on our 10th anniversary, three weeks after the engagement. After that, I could finally make the decision to move out and break up.

Meanwhile, I'm fine again. But even though I have a new partner, things still catch up with me every now and then. In particular, the way I deal with others, with my new partner and with myself has changed a lot. Some things have become clearer to me, especially my plan to always pay attention to what I want and to feel whether I'm okay with it. But unfortunately, some things have also become considerably more complicated. Trust, letting others approach you, dealing with the past, including that of your partner. It has completely turned my life upside down, both “unfortunately” and “fortunately”.

Before the separation and the cheating, I always did not fully understand - or better - could understand why other people can sometimes suffer from it for years. I understand now. It tears the ground away from under your feet.

Title image: sosheslays